Knighten Days

After I lost Nate, my sweet son, I felt alone.  Not in the physical or emotional. I had people. I had my husband, who was amazing and attentive and found his healing in helping me heal. I had my sister, and my close friends who reached out and listened and didn’t expect me to be ok. I had meals and gift cards for food delivered so my family could eat. But I felt alone in my spirit.  I questioned God. "Where are you? Where have you been?" You see, I had prayed for this baby. Begged God for him. It took years of trying and treatments and pills and shots and doctors to conceive Nate’s older brother Henry. So when we said we wanted another baby, my prayer, my plea was that it would be easy. That I would get pregnant on my own, and without delay.  My prayer was answered. We were pregnant within a month.  I was so nauseous and sick. But I was thankful because that meant a healthy baby. I got back genetic testing that said my baby was healthy, and I was thankful. I had an u...

When you are overcome with grief and pain, it’s so hard to understand why the world doesn’t stop.  In those moments, it feels like it should.  It feels like everyone should pause.  Like everything should just wait.  Just give you a second to catch your breath.  But it doesn’t. Time moves forward. Life goes on. Even those closest to you, who feel the pain of your loss almost as deeply as you do, continue to move forward while you seem frozen where you are.  In this moment, in this place, it feels like we are all taking a moment to breathe. To pause. To acknowledge the loss, so thank you all, sincerely, for coming. Our son, Nathaniel Dean, Nate, will never be celebrated for his first step, his first birthday, his first words, getting his license, his first date, his wedding day, the birth of his first child. So today, we celebrate all the things that could have and would have been. We also celebrate the joy our sweet Nate brought us. He was prayed for and lov...