Love and Loss - There is room for both



February 12th
February 16th

4 days. 96 hours of life happened between these first two pictures. 


In the first, I was bursting with joy and love for this sweet baby I was finally meeting. The sweet baby my friend had delivered while I was down with COVID. I was so enchanted by her. 


In the second picture, I am holding my own youngest baby, who isn’t really even a baby anymore. I just call him that to soothe my heart. 


In the first picture, I was imagining how I should be holding my 4th son, my 6th child in just a few short weeks. I was due to deliver him in just two weeks. I also imagined how in just 7 more months, I would be holding my 7th child instead. 


In the 2nd picture, I am just shy of 36 hours post-surgery. I began to miscarry just hours after the first picture. I went to the emergency room with heavy bleeding that only kept getting heavier. I ended up under general anesthesia for a procedure to empty my womb so that the hemorrhaging would stop. In the second picture, I have a massive migraine for the 2nd day in a row, likely from the anesthesia. Maybe from the blood loss. 


4 days of real life.


And I’m so amazed at how much space we can hold for polar opposite emotions. My pain has not dulled my joy for my friend. It hasn’t diminished the joy of snuggling that sweet baby for the first time. The ache of missing my sweet Nate isn’t softened by my love for every new life my friends and family welcome. I’m learning that, in this life, we can feel really big things that directly oppose each other without diminishing the impact of either thing. You can have big joy for someone while feeling big sorrow for someone else and they do not negate each other. My pain and sorrow are valid. Just as much as anyone else’s. And my joy and happiness are valid, even amongst sorrow. This is not the pain Olympics someone once told me. 


And we are creatures capable of big feelings and lots of feelings, and there is space for all of them. 


And that 3rd picture?? Well, that’s just the reality of 5 children entertaining themselves without boundaries while mommy lays on the couch with a migraine and is grateful that I don’t have to clean it up. Not today. 





Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It's Supposed to be His Birthday

Image
It is March 1st, 2022 I should be holding, or at least about to welcome my 6th child into this world. My 4th son. My sweet baby, Nathaniel Dean, baby Nate.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to try for another baby. It had taken us 2.5 years and so many fertility treatments and different doctors to finally get pregnant with Henry, and I knew that if we started trying again, and i wasn't able to get pregnant naturally, that I would be heading to do another embryo transfer. I wasn't sure that I wanted to do another embryo transfer because all the hormones were so hard with Henry. So, I prayed.  I practically begged God to let me get pregnant easily and naturally. He heard me, and I was pregnant within 2 months of our decision to have another baby.  I was so excited and, frankly, stunned. It only took two months! As I sat in my friend Ashleigh's garden, showing her the two little lines on those first tests, we talked and planned for the spring. My baby would come in the early spri...
Read more

Nate's Memorial Tributes

Image
O n October 24th, we honored our son, Nathaniel Dean and promised to remember him forever. To never forget that he was alive, that he was valued, and that he had a purpose. We held his service at a beautiful open air chapel that overlooked the Catawba River at sunset. I was a peaceful place and once that I will always remember fondly and that I look forward to visiting often. The following are the kind words that were spoken at Nate's Memorial. We were so blessed to be surrounded that day by family in the form of friends. Our dear friend, Pete, was the one to officiate the memorial, and delivered such a comforting message on God's provision and presence in a nightmare, which is apt, because that is what losing our son felt like. My sister and best friend, Lisa spoke a kind tribute to her nephew, whom she loved fiercely, even though they never met. My dearest friend turned sister, Ashleigh, who I have known for 27 years, my dear friend Danielle, who has been part of the amazing...
Read more

To My Son

When you are overcome with grief and pain, it’s so hard to understand why the world doesn’t stop.  In those moments, it feels like it should.  It feels like everyone should pause.  Like everything should just wait.  Just give you a second to catch your breath.  But it doesn’t. Time moves forward. Life goes on. Even those closest to you, who feel the pain of your loss almost as deeply as you do, continue to move forward while you seem frozen where you are.  In this moment, in this place, it feels like we are all taking a moment to breathe. To pause. To acknowledge the loss, so thank you all, sincerely, for coming. Our son, Nathaniel Dean, Nate, will never be celebrated for his first step, his first birthday, his first words, getting his license, his first date, his wedding day, the birth of his first child. So today, we celebrate all the things that could have and would have been. We also celebrate the joy our sweet Nate brought us. He was prayed for and lov...
Read more